Monday, May 22, 2017
Letting Go to Move Forward.
May is coming into it's ending days and I wish it Godspeed. This month has been a true test of my faith and sanity. May has been a bad month for me for eighteen years now. It is the month that sent me the call every little girl dreads; well this little girl dreaded. It is the month I lost my dad. My life came to a screeching halt the morning I got the call. At times I think when the brakes were slammed on, they did some major damage because my life just hasn’t worked since then.
My dad was my voice of reason. He understood me in ways no one else in the family could. We were alike in so many ways. Right down to most of our mistakes.I know what you are thinking why didn’t you learn from your dad’s mistakes? That is easy enough because I am a first born child with control issues just as he was. We were both made of the same material, which meant we never give up even when we know we are beaten. It just isn’t in our makeup. It was a strength but also a major weakness that cost him so much, and has cost me in the past. I am sure it will in the future too.
This past week has been an exercise in patience for me. I found out what I was told about my mom’s living situation was misinterpreted. Now we are in deep financial trouble. One thing I hate most in this world is a liar. I feel like the last two places my mother has rested her head have lied to me and misled me completely. I hope come Monday I will find a place that understands honesty. It will also bring mom closer to the family. She will no longer be cast off, so far away and hard to reach. I am going to have to learn my next life lesson. I have to learn to let her go. Let someone else take some of the responsibility. I am ready to do this, I just don’t know if I can. Like I said it isn’t my style to give up, and in a way, I feel like I am giving up.
I also suffer a moment in my health at a time when I could use it the least. After almost fifty years I spent my second stay in the hospital. The first time being when I was just three months old with Colic. I spent eight days there at that time. I had prided myself on the fact that I had avoided it since. I can no longer be proud. I spent a night in Cardiac Care to have my heart monitored. So far all the test come back pretty good, but at the time it was a bit scary. The worst part was knowing I had things I needed to do for mom. How was I supposed to do them from a hospital bed? Another failure.
As I have written many times. Writing is my therapy, and I didn’t even have that luxury while they had me hooked up to all of the machines. All I could do was lie there and run what I would write through my mind’s eye, hoping I would be able to remember it when I once more sat in front of my computer screen. I forgot most of it when I got out and started dealing with my mother’s life once more. The good thing was it helped me pass the time while I lay there waiting for the next blood draw, or test.
It also woke me up to the fact that I was so busy worrying about her health, that somewhere along the lines, I let my own fall through the cracks. I can’t even tell you when my last doctor’s visit was. I think it was in the previous year though. The only medical personal I see on a regular basis is my mother’s or my allergist. I now know I need to start concentrating on myself.
Funny thing about all this is that it all came to head on the anniversary of my dad’s death. I had promised my dad I would take care of mom right before he died and here we are eighteen years later with me finally passing her care to someone else. I think I have fulfilled my promise. I hope I have because I have nothing left to give. I have fought with all my strength to keep mom in her own home, independent, in charge. Her health has now taken the reins and made the decision for all of us.Why do I still feel like I am giving up the fight?
It seems with each of her moves this process robs her of more of her life and memories.Then we wonder why she is forgetting so much. All of her memories have been left behind, in boxes, or bags. They have been sold, traded or given away. Because each move has been a downsizing of her life. This I have a feeling will be the final clearing.
So from now on, I think I will disappear, check out and just simply hide from the month of May. I am not sure I can take the next bad thing to happen during it. Hopefully, by the time of my next post, I can say progress has been made to the point where the keys have been turned into mom’s landlord. Hopefully, maybe, just maybe something happy might occur this week to help change my mind about this month. Until that time I hope you love fully and laugh often.