google analytics

Monday, August 28, 2017

Here Come The Sun?

The sky in the wake of Hurricane Harvey. Photo by the author

Today the sky is matching my mood. One moment bright and sunny, but in the next dark ominous clouds move in to block the beauty of the sun coming up. Off in the distance, I can hear the sound of thunder. To add to the gloom, the wind picks up and the temperature drops. The humidity making my clothes feel clammy against my skin. I can feel my hair as it at once frizzes and falls flat.

Like the sky, for one moment I am happy. A smile playing across my lips as I watch my niece and nephew get ready for their first day back at school. Oh, to be young and carefree again. So many possibilities, so many adventures yet to take. That is when my nemesis, “What could have been”, comes calling. You know the voice. It is the same voice that plagues you with “what if’s and maybe if I had’s”. You know the one. 

Just like that the sunshine on my soul becomes clouded and my eyes feel the gathering of tears, I try to keep them at bay, from falling like the rain that has begun to seep from the clouds above me. I feel as if I am standing next to a whirlpool just waiting to suck me in. My legs weighted with cement, I am unable to run or hide. I turn and walk into the house, time to escape to the cave I find beneath my covers. My joy so short lived as if it has never been.

For anyone who has ever dealt with Depression or Bipolar Disorder, you know what I am talking about. When you throw in chronic pain, the emotions battle with the pain for your focus. People who don’t live with this do not understand just how much it can still your focus. They think you are just being lazy or have no discipline. Those are the people you want to punch in the mouth but to raise your arm and make a fist just hurts too bad to do the punch justice.

It’s as if you are not berating yourself enough for feeling weak and worthless, let’s just have some uneducated, uncaring person open their mouth. Then they have the audacity to ask why you are in such a bad mood. Well duh! What do you expect?

I already feel like crap, and then to have someone treat me like I am faking my tiredness, pain, and mixed up emotions. I would love to be able to reach out and just by touching them, let them feels what I am feeling for a moment.Let them feel the sucking vortex as it drags you under. To a place where you fight for every breath as panic overwhelms you. As blackness seeps into the edges of your vision, and your soul cries out for some relief. Only no relief ever seems to come.

And then like the clouds above blocking the sun, a cool breeze blows and they uncover the bright light. Coating the world in a surreal glow. And you think for one minute that maybe the clouds are gone for good. You take a deep breath and once more a smile plays upon your lips. You lift your eyes to watch as the kids walk down the road towards the school bus. The moment of blackness gone. You turn back towards the house, there is work to be done.

I give thanks that this isn’t an everyday thing, but I also work very hard to control all that ails me. I take my medication religiously. I try to stay away from triggers, I write to let the feelings out that I don’t feel safe enough to say in person. I read about my illness’ and research better treatments. I also read other writers who like me battle each and every day.I take hope in their journeys as if they were my own.

Thanks for stopping and reading about what I have to say. I hope if you are feeling in any way like I do that you are seeking the medical attention needed to help you through your day. By all means, leave me a comment and let me know how you battle your demons. I hope this day finds you in the sunshine with a smile on your face. As always remember to love fully and laugh often.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Rambling On

Happy Monday everyone. I am slowly getting back on schedule with my blogging. This week has been hard because my health issues have caused me some extreme pain. I was supposed to see a new doctor last Monday and I get there only to be told that they don’t take my secondary insurance which covers my co-payments. I then had to call my primary physicians office to find out why they referred me to a doctor that doesn’t accept both and I find out that they no longer have my secondary insurance information in their files. Oh, the joy of dealing with doctors when all you are seeking is the help to alleviate the pain and find out what is wrong.

On top of that my muses were still a no-show as far as moving my book along. I think the pain aided in their staying away. When all you can think about is hoping that parts of your body won’t go into muscle spasms and freeze in a contortion of what they should look like, it is kind of hard to think about writing the integral final chapters of your book.I spent the week instead refurbishing an old dresser that should have taken one day, two at the most to finish. Because of the heat, we are experiencing down here in Hell; oops I meant Texas. I had to work in short spells to keep from overheating. Add in the stupid muscle spasms and it made for some fun trying to hold a paint brush.

I’ve enclosed pictures of the before and after of said project. It wasn’t until I was taking the picture
for the after picture that I realized I missed a panel in the painting process. How did I remedy the situation? I stuffed a basket in the space thus trying to hide the white glaring out at me. As you can see it didn’t do a great job but will suffice until I can find the energy to paint it.

As anyone who has done a renovation on an old piece of furniture, it gives you time to think about stuff. I thought about how a few short years ago, I would have whipped this out and have started a new project within a day or so. Now it took me a whole week. As I thought along those lines I began making a list of stuff that I could do with ease before my health decided to go all wonky. Sure I expected at the ripe “old” age of fifty to have to slow down a bit. I have battled arthritis most of my life. As I aged it spread from just my ankles and knees, up into my back, and eventually to my arms.

 Now I have to add painful spasms that go bone deep, leaving me in a pain that is hard to describe. I hate when the doctor asks me if the pain is a burning, throbbing, or sharp pain. I always catch myself saying yes. This is when the doctor asks “well, which is it?”  I sit there in my paper gown looking at him in confusion. “What do you mean which one? I just said yes to all of the above.” Stupid doctor, it makes me want to poke him in the eye and stomp on his foot. Then I get to ask him what kind of pain he is feeling.

Funny how I didn’t think this post would be about my aches and pains. I started with the idea of talking about my muses gone wild and how I pushed through and got some writing done anyway. Yeah, I know it didn’t happen so why talk about it.

Just now my niece asked to use my phone to take a picture of Gizmo, and as she was scrolling through the contacts to send the picture to herself, I noticed how many doctors I had in my contacts. You know you are getting old when the numbers of doctors on your phone are higher than the number of your friends and family. Out of one hundred ten contacts, more than twenty are doctors or hospitals. True, some are my mom’s doctors but for the most part, they are my current or previous doctors. Which leaves me sitting here wondering when it happened. When did I get old? I want to say I’m not old but when you see a cute guy and instead of thinking “Wow, what a hottie”, you instead are thinking how young he looks. Then you have to consider the fact that age has crept up on you.

I wonder if this is how my Mom and Dad felt when they got older. The scariest thought is that I am only seven years younger than the age my Dad was when he passed away. Now if that doesn't make you think some macabre thoughts, nothing will. But I digress. I have come to an uneasy acceptance of my age and its drawbacks. I know I am going to keep getting up every morning and trying to do what I dream about. The dream of becoming a published writer. No amount of pain or a number are going to slow me down in the completion of that goal. So I guess I can count that as a win.

Well, I think my rambling has come to an end and don’t remind me how old people have a tendency to ramble on. I might whack you with my cane. Until next week remember to love fully and laugh often.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Muses Gone Wild

You have probably wondered where I disappeared to. I can tell you it was no fun being away from my writing or my readers. I haven’t posted in awhile because my computer crashed while doing the latest Windows 10 update. I guess it is like most of us and didn’t like to change, even a little bit.

I took my computer to the shop and knowing it would be awhile before I got it back, I then went in search of a replacement. What I found was a small notebook computer that had no memory and hated my Wi-Fi network. I ended up taking it back to the place I bought it from. I then decided to use my Kindle Fire to do some writing. Yeah, that didn’t work out too well. It ends up that my Kindle has lots of room for books but not much else. At that point of discovery, I had just learned that I would be without my computer until the first of August because I had to wait on payday to rescue it from the shop. I sat wondering what I did to the universe for this form of Karmic payback.

I thought to myself that I hadn’t always had a computer to write so let's do things the old-fashioned way and write longhand. I pick up my pencil to begin to write and it seemed like my muse stood behind me tapping its proverbial foot, agitated at my lack of technology.

So what did my muse do, decided it was going on vacation until my computer was back where it belonged. I thought okay if the muse for my book is gone, maybe I can garner the muse that gave me an idea a few months ago, for a new project. Great time to start character profiles and fleshing out my story. I got started and did get the beginnings of one character, and that was when the current muse got wind that my previous muse went on vacation. You know what happened after that? Yes, sir, Muse Spring Break 2017 had begun.

At that point, I threw in the towel and stopped trying to force something that just wasn’t happening. What did I do instead, you ask? I did as little as possible, no I’m kidding. I took a break from social media for the most part. And picked up a book or two, okay three to read. I had two that I had started and just never got around to finishing because I didn’t want them to influence my book in progress. What books did I finish reading? The first one was written by a nice lady named Jenna Moreci. Jenna is a relatively new author, having published her first book, Eve: The Awakening. She is currently working on her second book. She also runs a great vlog on YouTube, if you are a writer or just want to delve into the mind of a writer this vlog will help you and make you laugh.

The next book was Confessions of a Retail Whore by Jess.E, an author that is in one of my writing groups on Facebook. She hit the nail right on the head in this story about working in retail. If you have ever worked in the world where “the customer is always right”, you need to check it out. I found myself laughing at her observations and shaking my head in agreement with her assessment of the field of retail. You can find her book on Amazon.

The third and final book I read while on my vacation from writing was by one of my all time favorite authors. Karen Marie Moning. Karen has written two series that have kept me enraptured for hours.The first series was “The Highlander Series”. In these books, I fell in love with Dageus, Drustan, Gavrael, Cian, and of course Adam Black. The stories of The MacKeltar clan kept me up into the wee hours and had me immediately picking up the book as soon as I woke up. She then added The Fever series, and as with the MacKeltar’s, I was drawn into the story of Mac, Barrens, Dani, and the Seven. Which is where the book I was reading came from. I finished reading Fever Born, and I can’t wait to read the final book of the series.

So there you have it, folks. How I spent two weeks away from all of you. I am now reading the more mundane material, books gendered toward my work as a writer. You must always keep expanding your universe and education; to stop means you become stagnate and we all know what stagnate water smells like. I hope you check out these books, or read something more your style. Just keep reading. Until next week remember to live life fully and laugh often.