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Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Lacking Drive




If you have read my blog before, you know at one time I posted my goals for each quarter and then let you know how I did at accomplishing them. I have lacked the drive for a while to set goals, let alone try to finish them. I am hoping that in this, the last quarter of the year, I can swing things around and get back on track.

Earlier this year I asked my doctor to change the medication that I was taking for my Bipolar Disorder. She at first thought to just increase my dosage which was a very bad decision. The nightmares alone made me reschedule my appointment for an earlier date to change the medication quickly. The next one was just as bad and made me very aggressive. No thank you, ma’am. I asked for a new prescription at the first signs of this behavior. We finally found one that seemed to help my depression, little did I realize that it was not to be prescribed to someone with Bipolar, but for Major Depressive Disorder.

I have talked about how I fear my manic side more than my depressed side before, but to let those who haven’t read my past posts, I will explain. When I am in a depressed phase, I sleep a lot, don’t want to do anything, even day to day routines. I pass my days in a fog. I am sedate. I am safe.

When mania enters my life, this phase is one where I take risks, I stop listening to my common sense. I stop thinking “if in doubt, don’t”. My finances become a jumbled mess because my racing brain tells me that I have money when in fact, I am digging myself deeper in debt. I start thinking I don’t need to take my medicine. My medication is holding me back from feeling good. My manic side thinks the world is mine to rule. The scarier part is when I start cycling between depression and mania. I can cycle up to four or five times per day easy. My train jumps the tracks and I spin out of control. A crash is coming that I am unable to see.

The new medication did not treat my mania. It caused it to take over. I knew it was happening this time but had no way of stopping the process. The problem with drugs you take for Mental Health conditions is that you have to give them time to get into your system for them to work correctly. The early period in taking the drugs is that the effects can be several weird reactions. The same goes for stopping these small pills of chemical cure. You can’t just stop taking them, you have to be weaned off of them at the same time you are being given a replacement. It leaves you not sure what drug is causing what effect. It is a vicious merry-go-round.



I decided that instead of expecting my primary care doctor to keep prescribing the wrong medicine, that it was time I got a referral to see a psychiatrist this time. The last time I went to one was over seven years ago so yeah, I think it is about time to re-evaluate my mental well-being. I am hoping that a fresh set of eyes on my case will help find the right medication. I so want to get off this merry-go-round. I want to try and go back to work but I want to be in a good frame of mind when doing so. I want to try to be normal for a change.

As I stated, in the beginning, I have been slacking on my goals so here are my fourth-quarter goals. This is my way of offering them to the universe to aid in my completing them.
1. Write every day.
2. Blog once a week.
3. Get finances under control.
4. Completely clean bedroom.
5. Go through storage items.
6. Finish “Wild Grows The Rose”.
7. Lose weight.
8. Eat healthier.
9. Get better organized.
10. Clean out closets.

Since we are nearing the end of October, I can say that I have increased my writing and blogging. I have been slowly cutting red meat out of my diet as well as pasta. Carbs are my downfall. I hate most vegetables, so a Keto diet is not feasible. As for the cleaning portion of my goals, fighting the urge to just sleep has been my downfall. I hate cycling between depression and mania. You have all of these fantastic ideas while manic but then just don’t feel like doing them while depressed.

I promise to let you know at the end of the quarter how well I did at accomplishing these goals. What are your goals for this end of the year quarter? Let me know in the comments. Remember to love fully and laugh often.