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Sunday, October 9, 2016


I was nominated for a Liebster Award by Theresa Jacobs: She writes a blog called the Writer's Life, about well the life of a writer.
When I saw the notification I was a bit shocked. Why you may ask? The first reason is that I have only been blogging a couple months. My second reason was that I had never heard of the award. I clicked on her blog, and read what she had to say. I quickly learned a bit about it there and she gave the link to the website where I could go and find out about the Liebster Award Rules and Information.

One of the rules is that I have to write a little something about my favorite blog. That was a really hard decision to make. I ended up writing them all out on tiny pieces of paper and just drawing one out of a hat. I know, cliché much. The winner just happened to be the one I think may be my favorite when I really think about it.

Every time I open my Tumbler account, I am greeted by posts and re-posts of Count Blogula. This of course is written by a beautiful, creative woman named Jenna Moreci. Jenna released her first book, Eve: The Awakening, in 2015. It wasn’t her book though that caught my attention. It was her blog, as well her vlog on YouTube. In both, she answers questions about almost anything you can imagine, but for the most part writing and her life with her fiancĂ©e Cliff.
Jenna is working on her next book, The Savior’s Champion while helping to care for Cliff, who suffered a spinal cord injury. She holds little back on her blog about what her life is like as a writer, as well as caregiver. She keeps a smile on her face as well as one on her readers with her sense of humor and outlook on life. Add in Cliff to the mix and what can I say you have a brilliantly written blog. 
I have finally made it to who I would like to nominate for this award. I never realized how hard it would be to find blogs that I like that had under two hundred followers. I hope as of this post; they still fall in the under range. Here are my nominees:

  1.    A Minute of Time by Cindy Miller- Cindy is one of my oldest and dearest friends, but it wasn’t until she started writing this blog, that I got to know her in ways I never had before. She is brand new to blogging, she has only posted twice, but she is an avid gamer and lover of dragons. She is a devoted wife and loving mother. So that is why she is number one on my list.
  2.    Writing is Fun by Stephanie Corvin- Stephanie is a working on her first book just as I am. We met on Twitter. Soon after we became writing partners and friends. Stephanie has finished her first draft, and a group she belonged to at the time was working on Author Promotion and building your presence on the internet. One of the topics they were talking about was building your website. So we began building our websites within days of each other, and soon after our blogs were born. Stephanie’s blog talks of her daily battle to complete her book. She also writes about everything else that happens in her path to becoming a NY Times Bestselling Author, which is her dream.
  3.    StoryBook Ink by Sue Frye- I have gotten to know Sue through a Facebook group called The 1% Writer’s Group. She is an author of Children’s books and a poet. Her blog is informative for anyone wishing to get better at writing their own book. She writes her blog in a way even a beginner will understand it, as well as someone who has been writing years.
  4.    Inky Wings by Vanessa Preston- Here we have another member of the 1% Writer’s Group. I love Vanessa’s blog, because it is a joy to read. She is close to publishing her first book and her blog takes you with her on the journey.
  5.    Random Notes by a Debut Author byAnni Fife- As you may have guessed, this blog belongs to another member of our group. As the title might suggest it takes us on the journey Anni has taken to publishing her debut novel. She is open with her posts, and I think others will enjoy it as much as I do.
  6.    The Cardamom Tea by The DynamicWriter- I found this blog on my daily travels around Google. The author writes about a little of everything, and I love reading others view of the world.
  7.    Work It, Working Mom by ElizabethDoren- My final nominee is a blog written by a working mom. She shares her views on daily life, while working and caring for her family. 

I was asked to also answer the following questions:

   1. Why did you start blogging? I started blogging because I wanted a way to connect with people, and build a following for my work.

  2. If you can give any advice to a child, what would it be? I would tell them to read. There is a whole world that can be opened up just by reading a book. It not only educates you, it opens your mind to all the possibilities.

 3. What is your dream for life? My dream is to continue to write, and if everything works according to my plan. I hope to see my books published and making a nice profit. I also see myself travelling, and watching my niece and nephew grow up.

 4. Where is your favorite place to travel? I have only traveled within the United States. I loved living in the Pacific Northwest, it is so beautiful there. I have a bit of gypsy and I just love to road trip everywhere. No matter where you go, you can always find beauty and a heartbeat unique to that place. I am still looking for that place that says HOME to me.

5. What show did you last binge watch? The Ranch on Netflix. The reason? Two words. Sam Elliott.

6. Do you have a favorite book you read over and over? This is a hard question. I have several books I have repeatedly read over and over.

7. What was the last lie you told? The last lie I told was to myself. I told myself I would work on my blog. Oops. As for lying to someone else? I really can’t think of any, except maybe, if they asked if I was okay. My answer is automatically “Yes”, even when I’m not.

8. What do you want everyone to know about you? That I’m not as strong as I let everyone believe.

9. What was your first thought this morning when you woke up? “What the hell was that dream about?!”

10. Who do you admire?  My nephew. He is an amazing young man. He just turned 17 yrs. Old. He is Autistic. He is also non-verbal; but for someone who really doesn’t speak much. He says so much with just his personality, his facial expressions, and he has this uncanny knack for knowing how to make you smile. On top of autism, he was dealt a random card in his deck of life. He also has Neurofibromatosis Type 1, this is not a pretty disease, but he doesn’t let it slow him down.

And we finally are drawing to a close, with the only thing left being the questions for my nominees to answer.

  1.If you had to choose one sense (touch, taste, smell, vision or hearing) to lose, which would you choose? And why?
  2.What would you advise to anyone just beginning as a blogger, or to potential bloggers?
  3.What did you want to be when you grew up?
  4.If you could choose any point in history to live, when and where would it be?
  5.What is your passion?
  6.What is your favorite television show or movie?
  7.What is the first book you remember ever reading?
  8.Where in the world would you love to travel?
  9.If a child asked you for your best advice, what would it be?
 10.What makes you smile?
 11.When was the last time you cried?

And we are at the end. Once again, I want to thank Theresa for the nomination. I hope you enjoy checking out my out everyone's blog. As for my nominees, remember to go check out the rules or guidelines, if you accept the nomination.Here is that link:

Saturday, October 1, 2016

To Close To the Sun.

For the last week and a half I have felt off. I thought it was because of the tooth infection I had. Now a couple days later, the swelling has gone, and the pain is no longer an issue. And yet I still feel off. Not quite here. Just can’t seem to motivate to do anything. All I want to do is lie in my bed, curled around my hugger pillow and sleep.
Today it finally occurred to me that I had forgotten that being Bipolar brought mood swings. Sometimes, several within moments of each other. It also sinks you into deep depressions and then reverses into  moments of exhilaration. Those moments you feel if you fly high enough you might actually touch the sun.
I had been riding the cycle. Going through the ups and downs of the rotating moods for so long, I didn’t realize I wasn’t rotating to happy. My record had a scratch, and I was repeating the same mood. Only with each day the scratch went deeper, and as it did, my mood went darker. Laughter was waving goodbye, as fear and anger tried to find a comfortable seat.
I think what woke me up to this depression,was having a PTSD moment. I just had a quick flash of memory that sent me hurtling back to a tender age. My feelings of panic, hopelessness, and fear once more sending me into a grand panic attack. I still find it amazing how something that happened so long ago,still has such power over me. You think you have beaten it, and in one quick flash you realize you were wrong.
This moment happened a couple days ago, and even while I write this, I feel my heartbeat quicken in remembrance. I think that when my depressions are in full swing, that is when I am most vulnerable to the past and all the ghost residing there. It is why I work so hard to avoid them, and how when they hit, I want to deny them. It’s bad enough fighting that feeling of being sucked into a muddy bog. The ooze slowly working it’s way up your body, the gooey, clinging feeling of it as it weighs you down. You fight to keep yourself held up so that it can’t wrap around your ribcage, because once there it won’t let you draw a deep breath to scream.
That is how I usually know my depression is lifting. The ooze slides back down my body and then one day, I am able to take a step without feeling as if my feet are weighed down with sandbags. I can take a full breath. I can see the sun peeking from behind the clouds. Then comes the worry that I will swing in the completely opposite direction, and go through what they call a manic phase. Sometimes I think these scare me more than the depression. During these times, my line from above comes so close to the truth. I try and fly to close to the sun.
And as Icarus, I also pay no heed to the wax melting and my feathers falling away. Just as I outstretch my arm to touch the burning flames, my wings fall away from my body, and I go into free-fall. During this time anything can happen. I have no fear. I am just fascinated at the blisters forming on my burnt fingertips. Never grasping that the ground is not going to make for a happy landing.
When I am in manic mode, I make rash decisions. I take chances in ways that I usually know better than to do. I make choices that later will come back to either haunt me, or bite me in the ass. Ask anyone who lives with this disease, and they will tell you each day feels like you are the tightrope walker. One slip either way can cause serious problems. Some like me find the medication helps, but for others it doesn’t. Each person is different and so is their journey. I found therapy also helped. You can say “well I talk to my friends or family”, but it is different in therapy. Within that brief moment, you can lower your shields and be honest.
I know you think you are honest to your friends or family, but in my case, I have never been able to let down my shields. I love my brothers with all my being, but I will never be able to talk to them about what haunts my mind. I am hard wired to protect them, and our past has some dark corners that are left better hidden from their view.
There are also parts that they, Thank God were never around for. I think those moments are the ones I keep held locked away, hidden so deeply, that it is only in those moments like the other day, one will break free of its chains. It then comes thundering back, just to bang on my door, and let me know they are still there. Reminding me that I can never be free from my memories. Never free from those defining moments, that affected me on such a deep level that it changed me completely. I have found the most powerful weapon against us is our own mind.
So, being said, that is why I prefer to spend my time within the sanctuary of my therapist office. When I dare reach deep inside and put key to lock on imprisoned memories.
Somehow this has become twisted as my mind. I started writing about my depression and here I am discussing things other than it. This is how closely linked my mental illness is to my well being. How things in my past brought into play new factors. Each person’s journey is different, but not always that far from each other.
This is how we find support from like minded people. They may read this post, and think I know that feeling. I agree with what was said. This is the reason, I put myself into my blog. Why I let people inside what I am feeling. Because this is what I look for when I am reading about someone else’s journey. I want to say “yeah, I know what you mean”. I want to feel a connection, know that here is someone that understands the everyday battle. The fight to try and fit in, the fight to get fair treatment; we all know Mental Illness is still taboo.
We all know the fight to find the right medicine, the right treatment,even the right health coverage. Which is another pet peeve. Trying to get the help you need, when so few doctors accept low income patients. Or worse fall in my hellish hole of care, I have insurance that covers therapy, but has a high co-pay, and my income low enough that I cannot afford to pay. So for people like me who thrive receiving therapy, we are left out in the cold.  My therapy becomes a blog about my illness. I guess those who read my blog, stop in and make this group therapy session. I hope if I do touch you in some way, you feel you can leave me a comment.
Either way, I am blessed for all who stop by, and take the time to read my attempts to put word to page. To open myself up, and step outside my comfort zone. I am hoping as we slip fully into my favorite time of year, my depression slips away with the remnants of summer. And you come back to visit me again.

I hope you have a blessed day. Happy October!!