I have recently been writing
posts describing how I feel in the different cycles of my mental illness. The
funny thing is, it isn't the same for everyone; but most with the same diagnosis
will recognize what I am writing about.
I never intended for this to
become a series of posts in the same vernacular, I was just scribbling down
what was happening in my head, as I skipped through the hoops Bipolar. Yet I
also have Panic/ Anxiety disorder. Sometimes I feel this assault upon my body
affects my life more than either side of the bipolar equation. This is the one
that controls my life no matter what is happening with my depressive or manic
moments.
You see I live in fear. Fear
of the world outside my room, my door, my home. You know what the worst part is?
It is that I remember when I partook of life and reveled in it. It seems ages
ago. Well I guess it has been; seeing how the last time I lived without fear I
was roughly around the age of five. At that age, I had a major fright that has
caused in me a major phobia. I found out when I was older, that there was an
incident that happened even earlier. This incident played a part in the latter
one.
The event that took place at
the age of five was that I was sitting on a small porch off the side of my
childhood home. We had a dog at the time, who was rather protective of those in
my family. He was chasing after my Dad as he mowed the lawn. Unbeknownst to me
a black snake had coiled up behind me on the warm concrete, I suppose to sun
itself. In a blur the dog started barking and growling at me. I was frozen in
place as the fear instilled when I was involved in a dog attack at the age of
two, took over my body. Now that I think about it, that may have saved my life.
Because the snake had coiled up, and was prepared to strike. (I found out later
that it was a Water Moccasin.) The dog charged towards me, and grabbed the
snake and killed it.
You can imagine what must
have been going through my Dad's mind viewing this tableau happening before
him. He didn't know exactly what was happening until after the snake was dead.
He thought the dog attacked me for doing something to it. All I had been doing
was playing with my doll on the porch. From that day forward, I live in fear of
snakes. This fear is so strong, that I cannot look at a picture of a snake or
watch a movie with snakes in it. Just seeing them gets my heart pounding, my
palms sweaty, and my need to escape ramped to one hundred percent. I have cleared
a retail counter to get away from little green ribbon snakes. Yes, it is that
bad.
You may wonder why I told you
this story. Good question. For most people, they are cool with the reptile, and
don't understand my fear. Well having panic and anxiety disorder is much the
same way. The funny thing is it can be the most innocent thing that can trigger
panic or anxiety. For someone who doesn't live with this. Those feelings are a
rare occurrence. Not for me, and I am sure, not for my fellow sufferers. Those
people lucky enough to go through a day without a panic/anxiety attack don't
understand what it is like for us.

That moment when you are
triggered. When your heart pounds so hard you feel as though it will rip
through your chest. When you feel like all the oxygen has been pulled out of
the room, even if you are standing outside.
Your vision tunnels to one place, when in fact your eyes are darting in
every direction trying to find a way out. You feel the roiling of your stomach,
it feels like something is inside trying to rip its way out. In these moments,
my vision goes red. A wash of crimson creeps in from the corner of my sight
until the world is coated in it. My nails have dug into my palms from gripping
my hands in such a tight fist.
The worst part is you brain
is racing with so many thoughts, but none are coherent. You know you should
take a deep breath, to try to calm yourself, but the ability is temporarily
malfunctioning. There just seems like there is nothing to be done. Usually for
me I must get away from the trigger if possible. When it isn't, I hope someone
I know is near to talk me through it. Just another day for most but someone
with this disorder, you live in constant state of readiness. Prepared for
something to set you off. The days you get through without an attack, feel like
you have dodged a bullet. You take a deep breath, enjoying the fact that you
can.
This disorder costs people
their families, their friends, and even their livelihood. I have had to walk
away from jobs; some I even liked because one day on the way to work an attack
triggers. The closer I get to work the more intense the symptoms become. Until
you must stop, turn around, and go in the opposite direction. Simply because
the thought of going to work is impossible. You start to feel better, think it
was caused by something else. You turn around, and as soon as you head back to
work the feelings return. Well, there goes another job. It isn't that we want
to stop working, no it is just beyond our limits.
I knew when this happened to
me the last time, there would not be any more jobs. My fear had become so
intense that just the thought of working caused me anxiety. The thought of
failing to do my job sends me into panic mode. The splashes of crimson streak
across my vision. There is nowhere to hide.
I have shown in this post,
the final color of my emotions based on my mental diagnosis. If you have similar
feelings, please feel free to reach out. Leave me a comment below. Share this
with your friends and family, letting them know how much this is perhaps close
to what you feel. I hope by letting people have a glimpse into my world, that
it helps someone. As always if you feel lost there are helpful places to find
understanding and empathy. One such place is The Mighty.com
Until next week I hope the
color of your emotions stay in the yellow. Who can’t be happy when playing in
the sun?