|The sky in the wake of Hurricane Harvey. Photo by the author|
Today the sky is matching my mood. One moment bright and sunny, but in the next dark ominous clouds move in to block the beauty of the sun coming up. Off in the distance, I can hear the sound of thunder. To add to the gloom, the wind picks up and the temperature drops. The humidity making my clothes feel clammy against my skin. I can feel my hair as it at once frizzes and falls flat.
Like the sky, for one moment I am happy. A smile playing across my lips as I watch my niece and nephew get ready for their first day back at school. Oh, to be young and carefree again. So many possibilities, so many adventures yet to take. That is when my nemesis, “What could have been”, comes calling. You know the voice. It is the same voice that plagues you with “what if’s and maybe if I had’s”. You know the one.
Just like that the sunshine on my soul becomes clouded and my eyes feel the gathering of tears, I try to keep them at bay, from falling like the rain that has begun to seep from the clouds above me. I feel as if I am standing next to a whirlpool just waiting to suck me in. My legs weighted with cement, I am unable to run or hide. I turn and walk into the house, time to escape to the cave I find beneath my covers. My joy so short lived as if it has never been.
For anyone who has ever dealt with Depression or Bipolar Disorder, you know what I am talking about. When you throw in chronic pain, the emotions battle with the pain for your focus. People who don’t live with this do not understand just how much it can still your focus. They think you are just being lazy or have no discipline. Those are the people you want to punch in the mouth but to raise your arm and make a fist just hurts too bad to do the punch justice.
It’s as if you are not berating yourself enough for feeling weak and worthless, let’s just have some uneducated, uncaring person open their mouth. Then they have the audacity to ask why you are in such a bad mood. Well duh! What do you expect?
I already feel like crap, and then to have someone treat me like I am faking my tiredness, pain, and mixed up emotions. I would love to be able to reach out and just by touching them, let them feels what I am feeling for a moment.Let them feel the sucking vortex as it drags you under. To a place where you fight for every breath as panic overwhelms you. As blackness seeps into the edges of your vision, and your soul cries out for some relief. Only no relief ever seems to come.
And then like the clouds above blocking the sun, a cool breeze blows and they uncover the bright light. Coating the world in a surreal glow. And you think for one minute that maybe the clouds are gone for good. You take a deep breath and once more a smile plays upon your lips. You lift your eyes to watch as the kids walk down the road towards the school bus. The moment of blackness gone. You turn back towards the house, there is work to be done.
I give thanks that this isn’t an everyday thing, but I also work very hard to control all that ails me. I take my medication religiously. I try to stay away from triggers, I write to let the feelings out that I don’t feel safe enough to say in person. I read about my illness’ and research better treatments. I also read other writers who like me battle each and every day.I take hope in their journeys as if they were my own.
Thanks for stopping and reading about what I have to say. I hope if you are feeling in any way like I do that you are seeking the medical attention needed to help you through your day. By all means, leave me a comment and let me know how you battle your demons. I hope this day finds you in the sunshine with a smile on your face. As always remember to love fully and laugh often.