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Monday, January 29, 2018

Looking For The Bright Side

Here we are again. Another beautiful Monday. I know, I know. What is supposed to be so beautiful about Monday? For one, you woke up alive. God granted you another day to spend living. One more day to write your greatest moments in the stars. One more day spent with those you love. That is, and of itself makes it a beautiful day.

No matter what Monday is just around the corner.
I took a real good look outside this morning and realized that Spring will be here soon. I saw the smallest hint of green among the brown grass. Soon the flowers will follow. I have even taken notice of the fact that the length of each day is getting longer in slow steady increments. That makes me feel happy. The world is awakening from its winter sleep.

To usher in this happy feeling, I went and signed up for a membership at the gym. Time to lose these pounds that seemed to have crept on to my body while my head was turned. I went to the doctor the other day and had to take a second look when I saw how much weight I had put on since summer. I sometimes swear my body hates me. Just when I think I have it under control, it shows me that I don’t. Kinda pisses me off because then I get the doctors lecture about how losing some weight will help me. No duh! Doc.Why not give me something to help me instead of just criticizing my efforts.

I mean really, doc. I gave up soda, chips, and above all my most favorite thing in the world. Baked goodies. I mean I tried to give up chocolate but my inner bitch said screw that. So we came to an agreement and try to eat only dark chocolate. It isn’t my favorite but sometimes you have to make sacrifices. I do portion control on all of my meals, which is a great way to lose weight. That and drinking lots of water. I usually eat off of a salad plate, they are great for controlling how much you eat. There is only so much room for it. Secondly, I try to avoid going back for seconds. The funny thing is I have kept track of my calories and I usually don’t meet my caloric goal for the day, let alone the week.

How did I get off on my diet? This post is about finding the glory in being happy with who you are. It is about finding beauty in everyday things. I am slowly breaking free of the chrysalis of depression I have been enveloped in the last few months. I am working my way free so that I can fly again. Okay, I know I am corny or crazy. One of them. Maybe both. Who knows?

This is also my getting back to regular posting I discussed in my last post. I have been busy working on my follow-up story for The Tales of The Cat’s Eye Gang. I just started the "what if" phase of my story planning. All I have to say is for anyone wanting some backstory for my upcoming book this one has it. It has practically been writing itself in my planning sessions. I just hope I can do justice to Bo and CeCe’s love story.

Let me think what else is happening in my life. I have been slowly weening myself off medication that seems to affect my CFS. I am tired of being tired all the time. I have really been fighting to get anything done. You add exhaustion to depression what do you get? Nothing. It is a battle to just climb out of bed every morning. And that has always been a battle for me as I am a dedicated night owl. Let the early bird have its worm. I stick to the nightlife.

 As I start this new exercise regimen, I suppose I should do a before picture to see how much difference exercising does for me. Who wants to join me on this journey? Just leave me a note in the comments or send me a message on one of my social platforms and we can begin a 2018 New Year, New Me plan. I am always looking for helpers to make me accountable for the things I am doing. Just look at that. I have reached my writing goal for the day and went beyond it. I hope today finds you loving fully and laughing often.
Yes, this is me now. Gray hair and all.

Monday, January 22, 2018

New Year, Old Me

photo of a list of goals for 2018

As the new year begins people everywhere are making resolutions. I wonder out of the million resolutions made each year how many are still being done come to the end of the year.I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t make any resolutions because then when I inevitably broke them I wouldn’t upset myself.I am very strict on honesty even with myself. I don’t make promises for the same reason, I know that the way my luck goes I will most likely break it.

This is also the beginning of a new quarter if you are one of those people who like to split the year into fourths. At the beginning of each new quarter, I like to make goals that I want to accomplish for the next three months.This post is to get my goals out into the world so that I am more likely to fulfill them. If I say this is something I want to do, I will do my best to do it so that I am not a liar.

My first goal is to write at least 500 words every weekday. I give myself two days off because the weekend gets a bit crazy around here on the weekends and nothing much gets done. This works out to 11,000 words a month. Not a lofty goal but one I can manage taking into account my disability. So far this month I have fallen short but I have two months left in the quarter so I should be able to make up for lost time.

The second goal is that I will start exercising. I know that life as a writer is a sedentary job so I need to get up out of my chair and if nothing more take a walk around the block or store depending on the weather. To aid in the task, I am joining a health club. I even added the healthy living clause to my health insurance to help me with the cost. I have three local gyms to choose from and I am now checking each one out to see which offers me the most for my money.
A scale, a measuring tape,and an apple

My third goal is to complete my book, Tales of The Cat’s Eye Gang. I am currently finishing the last couple of chapters. I am also working on the outline for a short story that ties in with the Cat’s Eye Universe. It will tell the tale of how Bo and CeCe met. I wanted to write the story of their beginnings because I hint to it in the book and I think some readers may enjoy the journey into Bo and CeCe’s past.

Number four, I need to think about it.Not really I will begin posting regularly again. My health kind of had me hung up for the last couple months and I became a slacker. I need to push myself harder. I don’t know why I let myself do that and I need to remedy my whole outlook. I hate being bipolar. The depressions hit and you just stop caring and then when the mania hits, you try to make up for the lack. It is a vicious cycle.

Let's see for five I am going for starting to save money because one I need new tires for my car. I also need to have some engine work done with replacing a couple failing modules. It also needs a driver side CV joint. At least I think that is what it is called. I also want to save money so I can take a trip to my home state and visit with family and friends. I want to take my niece because she is interested in seeing where her Dad and I came from.

a list of my first quarter goals for 2018
My first goals in purple and white.
For goal number six, I want to get my author website updated and add some more info about my current book. I need to start the search for an artist to capture the essence of the Cat’s Eye Gang, I started last year but then depression hit and that idea got shelved. I also want to have a giveaway or two but still working on that idea.

I know this is a short list of goals but I think it is a good place to start the new year with. I would love to hear what your New Years Resolutions were and if they have been laid by the roadside yet. Let me know what goals you have for this coming year. As always I hope you love fully and laugh often. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss taking a few Glimpses of My World.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

We All Have Baggage.

We all have some baggage.

I read an article all the way back in June that has lingered in my cobwebbed mind. I was searching for some notes and discovered where I had made notes for this post to be written. And here it is over six months later and I am just now writing it.

 I think it has something to do with the subject matter, and how it rang bells in my subconscious. I think because I had never considered the repercussions of emotional abuse or mental abuse. We are all too aware of the lasting effects of physical abuse and the scars it leaves behind. I just never took the time to consider the scars that happen to someone’s psyche after dealing with years of emotional and mental abuse. How you compartmentalize each incident into a small crack that has formed with each whip of the acid tongue or each tug on the emotional landscape of your life.

When you stop and think about what those moments created within in you, to make you do certain behaviors. To react in a way someone who hasn’t been through the torture would react. I decided to put my own thoughts in about what I found in this article. I hope that you won’t see similarities but I know for most, you will find yourself doing what I did. Shaking my head yes with each behavior listed.

If you want to read the article, I will have a link at the bottom to check out.

One of the first things that rang a bell was you are quiet. I have been told as long as I can remember that I was too quiet. I am sorry but when you have been yelled at and called names for being loud and boisterous. If you perchance, god forbid, answer back then you have the physical abuse to follow. I learned early to disappear in full sight.

In the habit of being quiet, you find yourself having issues of getting close to people, to form an attachment. In your mind you feel if you do either, they will abuse you or worse yet ignore you all together. You get to the point where you form attachments to things and in my case animals. They can’t berate you or beat you.

You find yourself feeling nervous, always worrying. You are afraid to upset anyone. You might find yourself sensitive to loud noises. One, because you have spent so much time being quiet, but also you associate loud noises with being yelled at and identify the sounds with the abuse.

In the same vein, you find yourself defensive, you find other people offensive or negative because you have been abused. You find it hard to maintain eye contact. You will become anxious and/or afraid that the other person will be upset and take it out on you.

I have moments of indecisiveness, afraid to make a decision because you feel if you choose wrong you will suffer in some way for choosing the wrong thing.I found myself running away from conflict to keep from being hurt in any way. You come to the point where you feel like you need to be bubble wrapped to keep anything from breaking you. You find it easier to avoid conflict than to deal with the situation.

Survivors of any kind of abuse have low self-esteem, you don’t feel validated. You reach a point where you feel nothing you do is good enough or even where your own feelings become something you don’t trust. You trusted your abuser, and look what happened by doing that. I find myself second guessing any feelings I have. I wonder what I can trust in every situation. Be it emotions, decisions, actions.

You find yourself apologizing for everything. Whether it is your fault or not you feel this deep need to apologize. You have been conditioned that no matter what has happened somehow it is your fault. I actually hate the phrase “I’m sorry”. I find it just another thing not to trust.

As with other people who have suffered abuse I found myself fighting addictions to drugs, sex, alcohol.Any placebo to erase the pain, or in some cases to make true some of the slurs hurled at me as a child. I sought to punish myself because in some ways, although my abuser was gone, I felt the need to abuse myself. I had been conditioned to react to life a certain way and needed to keep feeling those emotions. I never got into cutting but I abused myself in so many others ways. Self-harm finds a way.

I also became a perfectionist. I was so used to being told that I was worthless or would never amount to anything made me strive to get everything right the first time because I hated hearing those words thrown at me when I failed at something. I still to this day get uncomfortable when someone compliments me. I never learned how to take a compliment graciously. I always felt like no matter what I did I would in some way screw it up and fail to complete it.

You find yourself living on auto-pilot. You just move through life not really striving for anything. To save your mind and heart, you have learned to drown out the hateful words and slurs. If you don’t attempt anything, you won’t be berated if it doesn’t turn out the way you planned. I have found that I can blank out a whole conversation and when I hear my name, I am brought back to reality. I come back to the situation in full defense; afraid of being admonished for “wool-gathering” or daydreaming.

I learned when I finally sought therapy that the way we react to a situation is in some ways a repeat pattern within your family history. Such as my parents were abused by their parents, which made them abusive to us kids. It was all they knew and even when they thought they were being better than their parents sadly they were failing. You have to learn to break the cycle of abuse. It just doesn’t happen, it is a daily struggle to go beyond what you have been taught.

In those same therapy sessions, I discovered something that startled me to my core. I was angry, no, angry is too nice a word. I was furious at myself, my parents, to all the ones who I trusted and was given nothing in return. I hated those people I thought were there to protect me but stood idly by or turned their head as the abuse happened. I wanted some form of payment in the way of acknowledging that what I suffered wasn’t made up or a lie. I searched for validation but found none.

You may ask do I still feel this way. And the answer is yes. Even after all of these years, I search for that which I know will never happen. For different reasons. The person I wish for apologies from is dead, or no longer in my life. The people who are still in my life, I have grown apathetic too. I know that they wish me to forgive and forget but I just don’t have it in me to give them what they need. I mean they never gave me what I needed.

I know that this has been a depressing post but I have felt it building in me for awhile now, and this is my way of getting the pain out and not letting it eat me up inside. I hate that this is the first post of the new year but in a way, it is good to banish the negative to look forward to the positivity that can now take its place. I am looking forward to this new blank page to making my life better and brighter.

I hope you will join me on my journey for 2018. Maybe in some small way, I will help someone else along on their journey. Remember if you would like to check out the article that prompted this post. You can find it here. I hope you love fully and laugh often in this new year.

new year with empty pages.

This will take you to the article.