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Monday, January 28, 2019

A Year For Beginnings

When the new year came around to say I was ready for it was an understatement. With the passing of my mother, I knew that now was the time to make some changes and start fresh. When the clock struck midnight I was thinking about what my goals should be for this year. I sat down and began the list. I wrote it in my journal so that I could flip back and check my progress. I am going to have to buckle down and get my ass in gear. 

I have indeed make a goal list for this new year. I will add smaller goals for each new quarter but these are the goals I have made for myself this year. I want to put them down here on my blog as to make myself more accountable. I can truly say this past year has found me being a huge slacker. I failed in almost every goal I made for myself. This year, my #1 goal is to accomplish my goals. I know. You will believe it when it happens. At least that is what my inner demons whisper in my ear. I just need to ignore them and succeed in my endeavors.

So without further ado here are my goals for 2019.
1. I will lose at least fifty pounds.
2. I will finish “Wild Grows The Rose”.
3. I will begin blogging weekly again.
4. I will save money to take my Mom home to Illinois.
5. I will improve my credit score.
6. I will redo the outline for Tales of The Cat’s Eye Gang to prepare for the rewrite.
7. I will update my website.
8. I will clean out and re-organize my stuff.
9. I will go through all of my mother’s possessions and disperse it to its appropriate place.
10. I will start going to church.
11. I will decide whether to fix my car or replace it.

There it is. I started number nine this past week and so far I have shredded two and a half bags of paper. This was just in the file cabinet. This week I will tackle the remaining boxes of saved paperwork, bills, and oddities that my Mom never threw out. Yes, she was a hoarder. More of clothes but she also never threw out a piece of mail. She was afraid she would throw away something important and so saved everything. When I packed her apartment up when she entered the nursing home we were in a bit of a rush so it all just got packed and stored in my brother’s garage. To say I am not looking forward to listening to my old shredder bemoan its life as it gets fed over four years worth of paperwork is putting it lightly.

I am also getting the weekly blog rolling again so I can say that I have begun to actualize this goal as well. I am going to tackle cleaning out my dresser drawers in making goal number eight. By the time I am done if I haven’t worn or used it in the past year it will be history. I will be frequently making runs to the closest Goodwill and Salvation Army.

Let me know what some of your goals for the year ahead in the comments. Also, don’t forget to subscribe to my blog to get each new post. I hope this year you love fully and laugh often.


Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Handling Loss & Moving On

Purple-red orchids

You may all be wondering where I have been. Well sit back, relax and I will tell you about the last few months of my life. Let me just say that it has been a very trying for me and as I venture forth into this new year, I am having to adjust to the absence of someone in my life and it has been an interesting transition that is still happening to me.

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you will know that in July I had to make a difficult choice. A choice that left me feeling all sorts of emotions but the main one was guilt. I had to make the decision whether to put my Mom in hospice care or not. I chose hospice because her liver disease had reached the point that she was in incredible pain and that was the only way to get the medication that would give her some relief. Once the decision was made her health began to really deteriorate. We had also made the decision to remove her from all medications that were no longer helping her. We also chose to stop her diabetic blood draws because she had always been a difficult stick, and as each new blood test came she would be fearful of the pain.

My guilt came from wondering if I had held off she might be a bit more lucid, better able to engage with the friends and family that came to visit. Once she began the pain medication, she began sleeping a lot. It also seemed to enhance her dementia because she began to have trouble recognizing all of us. Here again, my guilt was pinged because it was tearing my niece apart to see her only remaining Grandmother not be able to say “I love you” to her. It became a common thing to see my niece run out of Mom’s room with tears in her eyes as her heart broke anew with each visit.

statue of an angel resting her head on her hand.

Five days after Thanksgiving and one hour before her seventy-fifth birthday; my Mom passed away. We had been talking about how we hoped she would make it to such a milestone age but in my Mom’s true fashion she missed the mark. The nurse who called to let me know said she didn’t suffer. She just went to sleep and then she was gone. At that point,  it was still fresh and as I got dressed to go sit with her while we waited for the funeral home to arrive, I was a bit in shock but also relieved. After ten plus years of living with terminal liver disease, her pain was truly over and as bad as this sounds; I was free.

Yes, I said it and that is what I felt. A burden had been lifted from my shoulders that I hadn’t realized was so heavy until it was gone. I am no longer trapped by a promise. I can leave and not worry who is going to take care of Mom. It is a revelation. I am still figuring out just what this means for me. Do I stay here or do I start making plans to leave? I will have time to find out because I have to save money before anything can happen.

I notice subtle differences between now and when I lost my Dad. Yet the biggest one is I have yet to lose a single tear. After my Dad died, I cried all of the time. I felt abandoned and lonely. My ex-husband told me that I even cried in my sleep. I still catch myself sobbing like an overgrown baby when something happens to remind me of him. I don’t know if it is because I have known Mom was going to pass and had time to prepare or if I’m just a cold heartless bitch. I have almost broken down a few times but yet something always prevents me from my release of grief. I wonder if my sense of relief has overshadowed my grief. I just don’t know. I may never know.

I do know that life goes on and even though we miss those who have gone before, that we still have our life to live. I am learning to live again without worry for my Mom as my companion. I no longer worry about always having my phone attached to my hip just in case there is a call concerning her. As I said before this is freedom. It even scares me a little to know that my life is my own once again. I am determined to rediscover myself. I am prepared for the next chapter in my life. With each new day, I awaken ready to take on all challenges. 

I hope you keep journeying with me as I go forward and stay tuned for my next post which will let you know my goals for the coming year. Until then I hope you love fully and laugh often.

an angel with cliffs in the background.